This isn’t a website-related rant but one that hits home for many heavy web users, nonetheless.

Most people take issue with the sheer number of emails they get. Those of us who spend a lot of time online get inundated with way too many messages, especially when you throw social networking notifications into the mix. A friend picks his nose and three social media websites instantly notify me.

My inbox is more flooded than a menstrual cycle victim during Hurricane Ike.

Some people (like myself) simply deal with it, and others have solutions such as reducing outgoing mail or reducing their email reliance all together.

But my problem isn’t with the amount of email, but with Microsoft Office’s little red exclamation point starring me in the face.

The geniuses at Microsoft thought adding the ability to mark an outgoing email message as “Importance: High” would be helpful. Yeah, it’s about as helpful as teaching sign language to the blind.

Even the brains behind Crystal Pepsi, the Babe Ruth trade, the Michael Richards Show, Pets.com and Jean-Claude Van Damme’s agent thought it was a bad move.

Unless someone is dying, please don’t consider your message worthy enough to sport the exclamation point.

Are you a surgeon in the middle of an oophorectomy and needing to fire off a quick question? Are you in a skydiving freefall with a chute more twisted than a Stanley Kubrick flick?

Tagging your email message as urgent reminds me of a little boy in kindergarten who’s just dying to answer the teacher’s question. He raises his hand but it’s not enough. He jumps up and down and says, “Oh, Oh Oh! Pick me!”

Have an urgent matter? Pick up a phone or walk two cubicles over.

There’s a 2% chance you’ve already been offered an opportunity to see Angelina Jolie or Madonna naked.

According to the latest report by the research team at Secure Computing, email spammers have been using and abusing Madonna’s name in the subject line of many virus-infected mass-mailings.

Promising a scandalous video of the 50-year-old music legend, spammers based in the Republic of Moldova have been distributing malware that causes annoying pop-ups.

This makes Madonna the most enticing email celebrity. Previously Angelina Jolie held the crown as the Most Used Name in Email Spam queen.

Does anyone else find it odd that Madonna is luring so many clicks? Of all celebrities, she’s the one you pervs most want to see naked?

Give me Heidi Klum, Eva Mendes, Katie Holmes or Miley Cyrus (is she 18?). Hell give me Matthew McConaughey (just to see what I’m up against).

In August alone, Secure Computing caught 12 million spam emails with Angelina Jolie’s name in the subject line.

If email spammers really wanted to entice a click, they’d use Sarah Palin. We can’t get enough of the vice presidential candidate.

She’s all over the social media websites, TV stations and newspapers. She’s also dominates SNL, eBay, CafePress and my dreams.

Palin’s a bigger internet phenomenon than the Star Wars Kid. She clips her toenails and CNN sends Anderson Cooper to investigate.

Who’d entice you the most?

Before mammoth social networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn, the only “networking” you did involved 600 free hours of AOL and the Teenage Basement chat room filled with “a/s/l?” requests.

Social networking then entered the fray and helped bring together like-minded virgins. I have no problem with engaging in this form of community, despite my lack of virginity.

However, the trend didn’t stop with social networking sites. Suddenly it isn’t enough to simply be a member of a community. You think you need your very own self-centered universe.

This is where sites like Ning and CrowdVine surfaced to fulfill your inflated ego by allowing you to create and manage your very own social network.

What’s with the youcentric world? Are you the sun?

So Time Magazine named you Person of the Year in 2006. Big deal. Every 13 year old with a webcam, or anyone who’s ever downloaded the complete 3rd season of Stargate also shares that honor.

And so do Hitler and Stalin.

Even the third-party social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter let you broadcast every menial detail of your life. Some think this form communication is useful to the world. Myself and others think it’s about as valuable as an Elvis Presley Chia Pet.

“Tina is: feeling happy because her science project got an A+”…no one cares, Tina.

“Edward is: nervous about his date this weekend”…keep it to yourself, Ed.

Your mom, dad and pet turtle are the only ones who think your important enough to have your own social network.

Want to know if you’re really worthy? Unless you’ve appeared on the cover of Newsweek, People, Sports Illustrated, Reader’s Digest, Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, National Geographic or Playboy…you aren’t.

Update: I just came across another service called Smirk, which lets people with no lives share their mood with video emoticons. It is officially the end of the world.

Over the weekend, Google announced the upcoming release of its own website browser Google Chrome.

Tickle Me Elmo riding a Segway to the theatrical release of Star Wars wouldn’t even generate this much hype. In just a matter of hours, Google stirred the blogosphere like a martini rejected by James Bond.

All Google developments get major attention. In fact, you can’t take a dump at the Googleplex without it being reported across the AP news wire.

I subscribe to a dozen or so RSS feeds, including my own (also known as RSSturbation). Every single one had a blog post about Google Chrome.

Some simply announced the launch, some offered live tracking, some gave personal opinions and Matt Cutts had a heart attack.

At this rate, Google Chrome has the potential to dethrone Sarah Palin as the most discussed topic on the internet. That’s a lot of buzz for a software application that stole its design from a 1980’s electronic game.

If John McCain’s hot running mate starts using Google Chrome on her iPhone while on the set of The Daily Show, I’m going to explode.

Dr. David Hogg shouldn’t be doing this. His lawyers advised him not to. His friends pleaded with him to remain silent. But he can keep quiet no longer.

Medical professionals have known for ages how to stop your herpes from flaming more than Elton John watching The L World during the Great Chicago Fire. But until now, no one had the balls to reveal the true ways to stop herpes.

But thanks to Hogg, you can now discover the secrets behind herpes containment in this graphically distorted ebook.

The best part about this website is not the carrier-identifying testimonial box, or the condom-sizing banner ad on the bottom. No, the best part is the affiliate program, which allows you to proudly label yourself a Herpes affiliate and make money spreading it.

If you’re not going to promote this book, at least buy a copy and give it a quick read. Then you can go home with a 3 A.M. Plan C “hotty” confident that your pride is the only thing getting attacked.

Then again, if you’re the type of person to buy an ebook on herpes, you’re probably the type who contracted it from auto-erotic activities.

The only thing his sales page still needs is a peeling page to match the side effect.

In case you’re wondering, I found this site while searching a herpes remedy for “a friend.” And no, I’m not an affiliate for this, though I probably should be knowing my audience.

We’ve all seen her. You’re innocently typing a website URL into the address bar, make a typo, and there she is.

She’s the “parked domain girl”, and she’s been viewed more than the Paris Hilton sex tape or Miss Teen South Carolina’s inspirational eloquence on domestic map shortages and the South African education system.

(See an example at why5.com)

Demand Media is the company responsible for pimping out this girl on empty websites set up to generate money from accidental visits. The Demand Media business model is this — scoop up generic or keyword-rich domain names and sell advertising space despite the lack of any iota of useful content.

It’s not exactly spamming, but it’s just one notch above mass emailing Viagra ads.

This poor girl was harmlessly walking to Psych 301 class and smiled for a snapshot. Now she’s being exploited more than Miley Cyrus or teenage Chinese gymnasts by people who take domain name monetization too far.

How the guys behind this sleep at night is beyond me, but apparently they do so in a bed of $100 bills.

Who is she?

Does anyone know who she is? Does she get paid per page impression? The Baha Men swiped 10% royalty every time “Who Let The Dogs Out” played. I can only hope this girl has a similar arrangement.

In an attempt to solve the riddle behind this infamous portrait, I looked closely at the background and now believe she is standing on the University of Texas campus next to the famous 307-foot tower.

Here’s my photographic evidence:

What do you think?

Just FYI - I was browsing your website earlier and noticed your page seems to be exfoliating.

Not sure if you left your website in the scorching sun for too long over the weekend, or you just need more online glue stick. Oh, it’s meant to look like that?

Advertisers recently discovered a new way to annoy us more than a barrage of Will Ferrell flicks. In an attempt to persuade our buying decisions, it wasn’t enough to add sound to banner ads, entice us with free iPhones or provide us the opportunity to shoot frolicking bunnies.

Banner blindness deemed these methods ineffective. (If you’re the kind of person enticed by such banner ads, don’t fret. You can still annihilate plenty digital renditions of innocent animals here.)

Because studies proved pop-up ads to be the most hated form of online ads, advertisers got the brilliant notion to add a stripping element to websites.

Introducing the Page Peel.

The trend is spreading faster than herpes on Usain Bolt. Even the crew at Smashing Magazine are eating this up. These things are cheesier than Ryan Seacrest eating Easy Mac.

It’s this season’s Web 2.0 shiny button. How about this: A shiny button page peel?

I know I’m guilty of following popular web design trends myself (just take a look at the bad ass reflection in my banner graphic). But just because I do it, doesn’t make it right.

None can question the influence of a “Top X” list. Organize your message into a list, and you automatically make it to the front page of all major social news sites.

It’s in their algorithms. In fact, you can’t throw a dart at the screen without hitting a list-based title.

The more stupid people visit your website, the more money it can make. So, here’s how to create a popular list sure to lure in the masses…

1. Use keyword research to determine the length of your list

For this post, I extensively probed Google’s keyword analysis and discovered which numbers receive the highest search volume.

I immediately notice high results for “Top 10″ and “Top 100″. I want to use these to my benefit, but quite frankly, don’t feel like compiling a 10-part of 100-part list. So, I went with the highest-ranking low digit number.

2. Discuss a hot or trendy topic

Right now Michael Phelps is dominating the swimming pool at the Beijing Olympics, and NBC riding his wake. The only news story that would grab more attention is if Brett Farve, Heath Ledger and Barack Obama banded together to save a burning house full of golden retrievers.

Piggyback his popularity with something like: Top 10 Ways the iPhone Helped Phelps Win Gold

Check out Google Trends and the Lycos 50 to see who’s hot.

3. Insert hyperbolic phrases

These overly-inflated terms lure in more suckers than Chris Hanson. Sprinkle in a few of these words and you’re golden:

• deadly
• ridiculous
• richest
• hottest
• sweetest
• most bad ass
• without getting caught

4. Directly address a popular problem

Giving people exactly what they want or need is the ideal way to ensure success. The Flowbee comes to mind here. People in the 1980’s were sick and tired of traditional haircuts and started asking, “Why can’t we combine trimming hear with the ease and convenience of a vacuum?” A nobody by the name of Rick Hunts strapped a pair of scissors to a dust buster and laughed his way to the bank.

Check the most popular questions posed at Yahoo! Answers. Tons of people asking for ways to clear up a rash? Boom.

The 3 Fastest Ways to Beat Genital Herpes Before Your Wife Finds Out

5. Ensure you have enough content to complete your list

In this case, I had only four items worth mentioning and now forced to showcase my failure to plan ahead. Even FEMA finds my lack of foresight pathetic.

Reading YouTube comments is like reading the text messages between a 13-year-old girl and a klansman.

Nowhere is it more evident the average citizen cannot handle the responsibility of an open forum.

YouTube’s core offering is great. It enables anybody to post and share videos ranging from humorous to inspiring. You can literally spend a lifetime sifting through entertaining videos.

With roughly 80 million videos and 3 billion video views, YouTube currently eats up more bandwidth than the entire internet in 2000.

With the masses comes idiocy, and intellects such as myself are subjected to the immaterial ramblings of teenyboppers and the offensive condemnations of racists.

The typical comment thread for a YouTube video starts innocently enough. Say we’re checking out something as harmless as a sneezing panda (20 million people have).

The comments start like this…

surferchick12: LMAO! the mom is like WTF!!!!!!!!111

xXxPokemonxXx: awww look at the baby panda ROFL ;) hahaha LOL

TonyBDaMan: 8===D

It then turns political…

GreenGi2l02: whats so funny about animals in captivity??

Dave-O: Stupid liberals always trying to free lame animals. Eat pandas.

Then a couple off-topic notes…

dancefreak66: The Peruvian government cuts down 1,300 acres of forest every day. Click here to stop them.

lovematenow: You have a secret crush! Paste this message into 8 other comment sections to learn who loves you!

And then it turns ugly…

the_answer3: 9/11 was great day ever. Americans burn with Bush’s actions. Your imperialism will be your end.

Eagleface: shut up you brit. you all have small pen1s and you know it!

ShaFeLeR00: Hang minorities.

YouTube tried fixing this by adding a voting system similar to Digg’s, but this only put a band aid on the problem. Google, who now owns YouTube, does a decent job filtering spam on its other platforms but not with YouTube.

You know its bad when programmers have to create scripts to hide the comments. We’re dealing with a larger issue of global idiocy and censoring some comments is only a start.

Only a masochist gets pleasure out of reading these things. But in a way, it’s like watching two morbidly obese women wrestle in a pool of baby oil—a horrendous sight, yet you just can’t look away.