Most Effective Stock Photos to Make You Flaccid

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So you’re sitting in the back of your Macroeconomics 301 class, distracted with Facebook-stalking the hot coed you met at the Ugly Sweater Party over the weekend. Suddenly, your professor calls you up to the front of the class to write out the Quantity Equation of Money Formula on the chalkboard.

The only problem is that browsing the Facebook photos of your new crush’s recent spring break trip to Panama City has created a nice little bulge in your pants. What do you do?

You can’t employ the age-old technique of carrying a textbook in front of your crotch while you make your way up the aisle because you don’t have the textbook. The money you’d have spent on the $239 textbook was better spent on your new Call of Duty life-sized action figure and 6-er of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Here’s the solution: keep this blog post in an open tab every time you’re in the classroom. It’s sure to cool you off.

As if looking at a 25-year member of the AARP licking a popsicle isn’t nauseating enough, this lady’s taking on a double team.

Homosexuality is just fine. But displaying your homosexuality while spraying down a urinal cake is another thing.

Speaking of bathrooms, how is this photo even legal? And why is a 4-year-old kid deeply contemplating how he’s going to rollover his 401k to a brokerage IRA?

Here’s another photo of someone on the can. This nice gentleman can’t take a quick 2-minute break from browsing his new eHarmony matches to focus instead on pinching off a package?

I lied. Here’s one final photo related to toilets. The grotesqueness of this one is probably debatable because there’s likely a small percentage of the population with a porta potty fetish. I’d Google it to find out, but I’m on a work computer right now and I’ve taken enough flack from HR already for wasting company time on uploading my family portraits to AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

Again, this one might actually be a turn on to some people, so it’s risky putting this photo here. Personally, if I wanted to see a secretary foreplay with a fellow furry, I’d visit my sister at work.

Pregnancy is no laughing matter. That’s why tripling up on condoms is so essential. And male pregnancy is especially no laughing matter. To top it off, there’s an asian man prepping to suck the lint out of the preggers’ belly button.

Again, another fetish to some people. I’m guilty of a few weird ones myself, but watching Andre Agassi perform fellatio on his big toe isn’t in my repertoire.

This one’s not really disgusting but I found it awkward enough to have an impact on the destination of blood flow. I think it’s probably subtly racist. What, black people run out of milk quicker than white people and have a hard time even noticing their milk carton is empty before attempting a pour?

While we’re on the topic of oral, here’s a man who loves him some OJ. Not really sure what else to say about this. I’m assuming the only organization to have purchased this photo is the Commission for the Uncomfortable Promotion of Florida Orange Juice.

And finally, what better way to exemplify flaccid than an actual picture of flaccidness.

(PS – what’s with the new fascination with Ugly Sweater Parties?)